#321: How To Embarrass Yourself Into An Ego-less Nincompoop

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

fucking people podcast work shit robbie dude colonoscopy night improv class called walking hear endoscopy great listen joke talking episode told

SPEAKERS

Law (93%), Speaker 3 (4%), Speaker 2 (1%) 

Law Smith

0:02

Are you ready for real though? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. podcast and streaming show the number one Arbitron radio comedy podcast business podcast in the world. Hey Glenn, take it easy, pragmatic entrepreneurial Vice mareel rod on top for you rob dog daughters out there. I don't know either. 2020s best small medium enterprise business advisor podcast winner in the United States then select global excellence awards. A little humble brag about another humble brag 2021 best podcast in streaming entertainment studio. For the eastern USA media innovator awards 2020 hosted by corporate vision magazine. You heard that right. We already won this year's. It's over. Stop trying right. All they needed was seven months. It's like being a baseball player. We get it at the half baby. Listen to us on iTunes, Apple podcast, Spotify, Google Play Amazon podcast, anywhere podcast, or listen to your mom's Sony Walkman that's got all that crud on it. Yeah, yeah, right next to your tampons and reverse rate, subscribers view. That's the cheat code that gets us up the podcast rankings. I'm going to switch up our ads for this episode, since it's just so low. And by so I mean, just the two of us. Were alone together. Yeah, we like that. name of our book. ExpressVPN. If you want a virtual private network, go to try expressvpn.com forward slash sweat. Gets you three months free off an annual plan. grasshopper, the entrepreneurs phone line. It's a little app have a second phone line compartmentalize your business life? With your work with your life with your lifeline? Try grasshopper.com forward slash sweat 75 bones off an annual plan and Warby Parker Warby Parker trial comm forward slash sweat prescription sunglasses, I glassware don't get ripped off by it. Big glass. Five free pairs of trying to own Warby Parker trial.com forward slash sweat. Let's get this shit show. Go. Windy. Windy.

Law Smith

2:42

Windy, though those watching on YouTube, Facebook, which is on YouTube, I think I upload them to YouTube anymore. I yeah, we need to get back to doing that website. I'll take care of it. Vimeo looks better. Oh, I agree. But no one stumbles upon anything on Vimeo. You know, I was looking up on Upwork last night. Here's actually a business pragmatic tip before I get into how sleep deprived teetotaling I am today. This is gonna be a silly one. This is gonna be a silly one. Um, I was on Upwork last night because I was like, I gotta at least pretend to myself to get the show out there a little bit more. Sure. But I was like that YouTube SEO is a beast is a monolith. I think I might call our previous guests from about three months ago, Dan Kurtz back on, maybe two months ago. Whatever it is not even. He's got some SEO wizardry. I'm a little bit rusty in that game, because I haven't had to execute that part of a service for 80 clients or anything for a while now. I'm like an old season grizzled vet. Sure. Yeah. I know how you did it in the 50s Yeah, I'm like oh, yeah, you kids listen to rap. Yeah, YouTube. Hip Hop is a whole nother thing you know own deal know anything about it and I feel bad I just kept like a lot of stuff like I'm gonna personally budget I won't I know I need to do it and I avoid it and then I have to do it last second and it never works out. Yeah, budgeting last second doesn't make any sense. Oh, I got I got kind of like office I got it in my head. But just like I said cram and budget were just like I was telling you with a My Fitness Pal app like I'm relatively healthy kind of guy. But when I started doing that diligently and then go okay, I paid 10 bucks for the app. So now I'm going to use this Yes, cuz I'm I am cheap. on that level. Your app cheap. Yeah, well, I go I'm gonna commit myself to just a week of just putting shit in. It's not that hard. It's just like, not getting caught up with other shit. That doesn't matter. Right. Sure. And getting in the habit of like when Eat something just put it in not a big deal. Oh, you're putting your food into Oh yeah, that's what it is My Fitness Pal is mostly about the food you're eating. And it's like, and you can put a goal so I was like, I want to get under 183 by you know, the end of quarter three of this year. So funny you think of it that way quarters? Because I'm a businessman right? Well, what do you ever oil man? What are you at now? I before vacation? I was 186. Now I'm scared to weigh myself again. avoidance. Right, right. I don't look at it. Gail after this. We'll see what's up. All of us have a little bit of avoidance issues. Like you had the friends in college that wouldn't get an STD check, because they just didn't want to know the results. Sure. You're like, That's fucking terrible for you. And the other people

2

Speaker 2

5:46

say there are terrorists. The penis terrorists, right? You have your sexual terrorists seal team six and that vagina just land sea four

Law Smith

5:57

sticky bombs when I was gone. But, you know, we all have those issues. And those are the things like this year. It's not like really a goal but like, gotta knock out the radio noise and really just focus on what's important kind of thing. Which sounds corny or oversimplify? simplistic, but that thing of like, Alright, am I going to watch every episode of hacks? Or maybe I'll on HBO Max, which is great. I love it on HBO. Max. Yeah. Which is I never heard of until today. Right? Check it out too many shows. Right. But rare is a show that I actually really enjoy and like to sit down and don't second screen. That one's that one. I like that much. Oh, you actually watch it and pay attention to right. Yeah, weird, right? I still stretch and stuff. But I need to do something beyond superglue broken stuff, you know, little little stuff around the house. But I was on Upwork. And I was like, you know, I never really utilize this as much as I should have. And I was trying to price it out last night. How much this is gonna cause? Oh, I'll throw a marketing budget for this show instead of us. Instead of me pretending like I'm gonna do it. And clearly I failed, right? come to grips with it. Well, after we get done with the episodes, you do a lot of effort, you know, to get everything up and published. I'm like, Alright, I'm going to equal that effort. And then I get home and it's just like, I'm a fucking feral dog and forget it. Me. Yes, exactly. That right? We even did this episode.

3

Speaker 3

7:28

Oh, yeah. Me too. Once it's published. It's for me. I put that I put the one clip out this past week from our last episode. Yeah, that was in the new wasted. Yeah.

Law Smith

7:41

I want the listeners that go back to that episode. And tell me you're not wasted. I want them to go back to any episode over the past year. Fair and fair. But just kidding. But even more so. You know, this is a comedy show. So right. So none of any family law attorneys are listening. Nothing real about it. This is all for sermon in real life and Mormon. Well, before I forget, pragmatic tip for this episode up works great. The hard part is figuring out how to manage those people and how to actually search for them. Quality cost delivery. Always look at that reviews. There is a I got this extension on Chrome. That'll show fake reviews on Amazon. Ooh, dude,

8:25

what is that so much garbage. Alright, well, you need to get that find that extension. Now. It's been something people want to hear gonna take a minute.

Law Smith

8:34

It's called fake spot, fake Amazon reviews. Real up in front got a title there. But everything that's like, you know, it's like, I got a bed frame. I'm like, I know, this thing is pretty much made in China by a couple of kids died making it kind of thing because they're expendable. And, you know, it's $89 or whatever. Yeah, and the comparable stuff in the stores. 300. Right. You got to assemble it or something. And then I go, I was like, I'm gonna go back and look at previous purchases that I had and see how, how well this works. And it's like, everything that was dogshit like the bedframe the fucking fake reviews Yeah. And everything that was like, like on an MCT oil, right, like a reputable company. If I can do it a sauce. Yeah. Big time. came up black clean your day. Came out black vacation. Yeah. I have some internal bleeding. Maybe. Yeah, you don't have an ulcer. Good. I know. I've had the internal bleeding before so I know. I get you get a little acute pain. I haven't told you that. Well, from building houses in Mexico like a goddamn hero. What are you talking about right now? I got I became a mnemic. So I'm 2425 I live in LA. The church I my friends went to that I pretend to go to like Six times a year just because I didn't have anything to do. So I was like, well, this is free. I'll go to church with them. Everyone's doing them donuts today. You got bagels? Yeah. Oh, that's that's the center guy. You guys want me to go over there and set that shit up for you. But you guys still do church thing and I'll go set up all in all that I got my Friday nights. I got my Sunday mornings. I got the Catholic Church with Wednesday. Spaghetti night. Prayer night, right? Yeah. So you know, when you're super poor, LA, like, all my rent would go from one check. I got paid, you know, be like, Oh, cool. 1300 for a shitty apartment. This is 2008. Right. So, but I do like volunteering. You do it for housing. You do you do as well, though you I mean, I think we're actually service kind of thing. I like kind of doing something with my hands every now and again like that. It was like you built you pre build a house the week before. And then the next Friday after work, you drive down and there's white church bands that the churches dominate that Ban 13 seater that

2

Speaker 2

11:09

those in high school basketball teams dominate that. They got the market share corn, what else do you need it for all Mormons actually, you know, I think about it might need those. But yeah, other than that,

Law Smith

11:19

yeah, if you got a cold or compound, you know, you're really you're, you're living off the grid kind of stuff. Get the bands, you're going to need them. So so you drive down from LA to in sanada. Mexico, which is you can go through Tijuana, which is depressing. Or do the cooling go through to cocktail but it takes longer. kind of depressing to it's not super depressing. They don't have running water. They don't really have a lot lectricity in these towns. So you're coming in with a fucking pickup truck with a prebuilt house on it. And then you just spend one day on a Saturday just building a house, which is cool as fuck. Sure. There's something really like cathartic and unsatisfying about it. However, I like for dinner. They eat cactus. Like they grow cactus on the side of the hill. And a lot of poor areas because that's all they can get. And I was like, Oh, that was a thing. It didn't taste bad going down honestly. Yeah. Right. It seems odd. So now really strange, spiky you know, they take the spikes off, but it's kind of it's kind of like a harder salary I want to say sounds amazing. Not great. But like, you know what you signed up for? I'm not like celery, fucker. The pizza rolls bitch. Like, I know what we're doing. Now. A little white cheese sauce, some some chips, maybe. Mexico come on here. Also, side note to the story. month before I did this, I got hit by a car coming out of a pharmacy. really fucked up and into nada. First time I'm hearing definitely told you the story. And I was my buddy. I came down I came on a wine tour. birthday party and Island knew the guy that my friend that brought me and so I know no one else. And everybody's like coupled up pretty much my friend immediately find some check. And I'm just so low walking around, like pharmacy, pharmacy. And then fucking get clipped by like a tercel. Just like layout on the car. Wow. Yeah. I got I tried to shake it off because I was like, almost like a little drunk. Embarrassed, like, Oh, no, no, that's my that's my fault. Yeah, you know? Well, there's no rules like in these some of these towns, there's no rules. They're just right. But it is like it. Like it. You feel like there's lawlessness of like the outback. Not to bring that back to that. But yeah, it started in Tampa. So the so you build the house, you eat the cactus. And then like, I was working on a mutual fund company was doing stand up every night and could and then on Monday nights, I was doing three hour improv classes at the Groundlings Okay, so this is after I built the house came back we pat ourselves on the back for fucking heroes America rules. You're welcome Mexico, all that stuff. You know, really, really being gracious about doing it right. So get back to LA in like the next couple of weeks. I'm doing a lot and I think I'm getting an ulcer from stress. Because I'm doing too much right or my Mondays we're working eight to 10 hours in Santa Monica drive only like seven miles to West Hollywood to get to the Groundlings classic seven, two hours. takes two hours for sure. And it's bumper to bumper the whole fucking way. And I'm a grunt at work so I got no way to be like hey, if I come in earlier, can I leave early? Like Fuck, what would you say to me before five fire? Yeah, I should just fire you. Yeah, I worked in a mutual fund company ever. Guy acting like an alpha on Wolf of Wall Street. That's cool. That's, that's a nice these things like 10 years like, yeah, yeah, we're the risky mutual funds but that's like being the fucking looses prude at the church loses. I couldn't I couldn't I was trying to think of something paradoxical. Alright, I gotcha. Let's stay the course. So I get this painting blood? No, no. Probably at the same time I'm getting this pain that if you take like a Phillips head flathead screwdriver, which one is it? Phillips or flat, flat flat Flat sorry. And kind of start like if you've started to push it into your abdomen, but not to the point where it breaks the scan just to the point where it kind of hurts. That's the best way I could explain it. Really? Yeah, I had this like sear, like a pain like that throughout the day at work. And I didn't know I was anemic. Which chicks don't care, by the way if you tell them that because a lot of them become anemic all the time. Because I'm just saying like, what do you expect them to do? You get no sympathy anyway, but right? You get no sympathy anyway from checks because they're like we're secretly tougher, which I kind of agree with, because we're not putting, we're not putting babies out of our 13 that's really

Law Smith

16:18

where they put them out. Well, they open up the tent sometimes. Yeah. 10 opens. This is a business podcast. And so there's the hospitals are businesses. Yeah, there's big business all on this story. There's businesses. And so see, well, I didn't know you hadn't heard this or don't remember it. So this is a good long tail. So I got what to call and I was like, fuck, dude, I'm, I think I'm getting so stressed. But I'm sitting at a fucking desk all day. Right? basically doing Excel formulas for for, like reports and shit. Like grunt work shit. Not great, but I'm not really doing much. Right. And then those Monday's were brutal because there's three hours and fucking improv class is the best thing to do in your life. At some point, but also the fucking worse. Like, yeah, while you're in it. Sure. Like, everybody really sucks. Yeah, it's an attitude thing. Yeah. And I try to come in like a stand up like I'm a freakin standard, bro. Like, I know what I'm doing because it's the opposite of stand up. Right? So you really have to come in blank. Yeah. All I did was tell me I don't have a life of life experience. I get in the scene and be like, I don't know how to finish this court case that we're doing. Like, wait, I forgot who's the prosecutor? Yeah, I was like, everything I'd have to think about for two, like two beats and like kill a scene. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got to just be in it. But then when I when I clear my brain out, I was okay at doing it. I only did it to get better at stand up. Sure. But it teaches you how to ask and I tell everybody like that ass. Or I just tell them anyway. And they don't ask, which is most of it. Everybody should take an improv class. If they don't like small talk, or and or public speaking. The things you get out of it. No cocktail party is boring. Really? Because you're trying to you're building characters out of people you don't know yet. Yeah. And you're trying to Yes, and a lot of stuff and it keeps conversations positive. And that became like almost a secret tool to talking to prospective clients or current clients and stuff like that later. I mean, we do it all the time. Right. I mean, radio is like the SN unless your sports radio or political talk or something. Yeah. Well, they, they gin up the argument to Yeah, yes. And but i think is actually the real anyway. So during the Groundlings classes, fucking suck at it. And like, really, like have no energy just I'm 24 I shouldn't be like, I'm like dog in it looks like I ran laps. Like every every break we had for improv class or for work. I'm just like, What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm drinking canteens a monster to kind of offset how shitty I feel. Well, I had no letting go for internal bleeding to I Well, I didn't know it was internal, I didn't know is internally bleeding because my poop wasn't really dark black or, or any red in it. And so I was it was like a guy that dips but doesn't spit it out. My body is absorbing and I think so I go. Sorry, go to a colonoscopy. Or I go to the doctor 24 getting a colonoscopy which is rad. Oh, wait before that. capsule lytic endoscopy? Was that remember the movie with Dennis Quaid? Martin Short interspace they shrink down and go into the bar? Yeah, yeah. So think that this is 2008 they go Okay, we have a pill with a camera in it. So you don't have it. This might help you avoid Getting an endoscopy or colonoscopy. Oh my god. So I'm like fuck yeah, I'd rather do that. Oh fuck yeah, Doc dude then a colon. Yeah, I will go into this colonoscopy story, but so I can think I got Martin shortened in me and I have like a big WWF champ belt at work all day that has like lights and shit. And they're like, this is UCLA doctors can't figure it out. They're like, I don't know, you're gonna have to get an endoscopy. I'm like, so you got to go under and do that. That sucks balls endoscopy is what through your mouth is soft heal. Yeah, they shut the fucking camera down your throat. Yeah, that's you got to be knocked out to do that. Yeah, pretty sure. You'll gag.

Law Smith

20:47

Yeah. And so that sucks. Health insurance not great. Or it's okay. But it's still whatever the pay after dimensional fund advisors gave for their health insurance or whatever sucks for me as I have no extra cash. So I'm just like, Okay, I guess I'll get an extra job after I don't know, I'll work on the weekends and must be a busboy. I don't know at that point, right after my ulcer goes right and I have no energy. So I'm just like, I have no fucking idea when I'm just like, rudderless kind of thing. Still getting this pain. Get a colonoscopy. This is my closer for a long time. I'm not going to do the whole story. But getting Colossus is fucking crazy because they give you this solution. And I didn't know no one told me that you're gonna fucking shit your brains out. Yeah, like, yeah, went to Mexico and drank the water. Yeah, right. And so I drink it. I'm 10 miles away from my place. Like I drank it. Coming back from a stand up show. I was like, I'll get on the 10. And I'll get it on the way on the 10. Right, right before I get on the 10 I'll go to like a Walgreens and grab it. So I drink it. Because that's what I'm instructed to do the night before. And then fuckin whatever. Whatever reason sometimes in LA there's just traffic at night. It's unpredictable. And you're like, Why the fuck are there people out at night on the four or five? And I'm like, Oh my god, I'm going to ship my car. And I can't wait in the emergency lane. I was like, I don't care if I get pulled over. This is what I said the the act out better used to have, like, if I get pulled over. I'll just if I can prove it, I'll just shit right in front of her like a baby with diarrhea and their diaper just shoots up their back. Yeah, I'll lift up my shirt over my head like a hockey fight. And just shit and just go look this way. It'll be I wasn't fucking around, dude. Yeah, it's a mudslide. I mean, yeah, there's no, there's no stopping it. There's no stopping it. Now here's the weird thing. feels awesome. After your butthole gets to, to dry or wet. I can't remember this. It's one extreme or the other. After shooting for so long. We're broke up. You're on the toilet for like three hours. Okay, no one tells you this. Should I be moistening my butthole? Well, you're gonna have to get a colonoscopy one day like oh, yeah, I think it's like 45 845 guys. Colon cancer. Maybe four. I'm not gonna do it right soon. So I get them for fun. You Well, you do feel like oh, pretty cleaned out. Right? Yeah. Feel fast. Spry. Yeah, I don't believe in those colonic people that tell you like you get you carrying around three pounds of shit. Oh, yeah. The clonic there for a reason. Fuck,

3

Speaker 3

23:25

right. Exactly. You get a colonic, and then you know you go out and you get sick as a fucking dog because you've got no gut bacteria to protect yourself or

Law Smith

23:33

the guy we wrapped with was telling us about coffee and Oh, yeah. coffee enemas. Hmm. Yeah, that was interesting. He could listen to this podcast. I was crazy. I was like, he's like yeah, so I put my legs akimbo and I hover over the toilet get a turkey based or whatever the fuck he said and just

3

Speaker 3

23:55

Yeah, same guy that changed in front of me my first day of work in my office after working at ease like Oh, he's like yeah, this is my office. You know? I know you didn't know it was my office now you can you can finish your workout or whatever leaves he's walking around the office in his in his gym clothes right? Yeah, and then goes out like so obviously he could have picked up his clothes and taking them to the bathroom to change their because he was fine walking around in a gym club. No he did he changed right in front of me and my office

Law Smith

24:23

for no reason like within three hours of being there right? Oh, yeah. Right away. And the best part about those guys is they think you're weird cuz you think it's weird, right? The deal bro right? It's like ah, if you bring it up, it'd be like offended you're like why don't you just change in here right be like, what do you like homophobic and it was

3

Speaker 3

24:42

like what and then it was like retroactive seeing the dude's like the way he was back then like I was hanging out was like oh, it's even creepier now I look back

Law Smith

24:50

look we just don't like when people hide it. You can be up front be cool. Yeah, we don't like that. Lance Bass is trying to keep it from us. Now we know we do. Didn't care Susie told us be gay with them be straight with go to the fucking moon. We don't care, but we're like, we know something. Anyway. So colonoscopy, my buddy Adam Browns in town, visiting me that week and for work and then there's a six man volleyball tournament. So, which is like, basically like think of volleyball tournament Hatton beach, mixed with like, Mardi Gras. It's like fucking wild It's awesome. Okay. Pineapple Express sponsor Our team of fucking degenerates. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, I Pineapple Express boardshorts so we're it's just a weird coincidence from earlier today that Oh, my cell I remember right. And anyway, so. So he picks me up, and it's it's what? I'm like, dude, I'm fucking starving. I've never eaten more fast food and one night sitting. Because you just get it you wake up and you're like, did you sit in your car? How did that go? Oh, no, no, I didn't. I shit my pants a little bit. I think I threw at those boxers you just kind of make an executive decision sometimes on that is I sweat already a lot. And you're like, it's pretty moist down there most times so it's like why even I'm not even gonna fuck yourself. That's a sweat down there. Well, like my I got a huge ass and with great ass responsibility are great as power comes great as responsibility. Yes. That spider man's ass. So do all this UCLA doctors some of the best in like, gastro whatever. Fucking I don't know what what's up still. And I'm like, What the fuck? They're like we can see your bleeding. Like you're the coolest could be but you can see him bleeding. Awesome. So this is after all, the Scobie. All three all three things. Okay. Absolutely. Which is the pill the Martin Short pill innerspace style. Or Dennis Quaid? I forget which ones mentioned that denigrates the pilot. What's it called? The endoscopy, which is oral through the throat and then rectum. You know, right up there, and they lean you over on the side. Right before you pass out. You're like, Oh, I feel so vulnerable. Yeah, like they don't have to do that part. They can wait till I pass out. Yeah, like five minutes with the music on and they're like, can you lean over and then take your what's the worst song to hear down and like, just share, say over your knees or whatever? What's the worst song to hear right before you go out for a colonoscopy? I don't I don't have Oh, you're thrown out there. It's got to be mad. aisa bass was my first thought. I don't know why. What songs I saw the size. I don't know. I think I just find them annoying. Yeah, well, that's Yeah, that's what you're looking either really cheer I hear out music. I thought Let the bodies hit the floor. That's pretty good. Oh, what about Ramstein? Do Hoss? Yeah. Because everybody older than us, freaked us our whole life about you go under. And it's scary. It is. But yeah, the the stats are not nearly as much as the fear we've been fed. And that Yeah, there's a possibility and it can happen. That's why anesthesiologists get paid a lot. But it's not as like, driving is way more dangerous. Sure. Yeah. Anyway, so go I just I'm toughing it out as best I can. Go back to the improv class. My teacher because Michaela Watkins is my teacher. Originally, she went to SNL during my class session. What I'm Michaela and super nice Jake. The backup to her was a gal named Lisa sugar, who's still with the Sunday company at Groundlings super funny. She goes she goes You look like you're fucking dying. And I'm I am told her what's going on. She's like, I had this exact same thing. And I was like what? And she's like go to Trader Joe's. And like, wrote she wrote down like six things of vitamins to get. I was like, I'll fucking do it. I was like, yeah, sock Trader Joe's deck like I will do anything. Got the six vitamins. She told me to get pork in like three days later, fine.

29:24

Wow. I thought the end of that would be way more. I mean, hard hitting, but I could so the new The important thing is don't trust doctors. Don't go to the doctor and listen to them. They don't know what they're doing. Yeah, that's

Law Smith

29:37

a good point. I do think a lot lately. While I was on vacation, I thought a lot about what we think is going to happen and what actually happens, right? Yeah, I don't want to do this because that's going to happen. And then when you do when you have to do it anyway. What really was wasn't shit. Yeah, it's never as bad, right? It's part of that avoidance thing. I think Bring it back around. See? Look, I Johnny no sleep doing it. Well, how much time I got minutes. I'll tell you about the shout out to our former guest. Robbie slow it getting married. Oh yeah, you didn't even Oh man. That's the word I wanted to hear about piercing yourself in front of the other comedian time. So not at that clip of storytelling. Well, so Robbie, great guest when he came on. He's a writer for Jon Stewart. And and Andrew Schultz.

3

Speaker 3

30:35

Schultz Schultz has one of my favorite bits about the American flag and the national anthem. Check it out on YouTube.

Law Smith

30:42

The other day Mark Wahlberg joke to Mark Wahlberg was like I was supposed to be on that 911 flight. Oh, I don't that's that in the I don't think I was the set I was watching that's a great set up like a mark wahlberg is already taking care of business. He's like, what? Yeah. What what as as the ashes are burning. You're talking shit about like what you would have done right? You're like armchair quarterback. Leave it to Robbie. I'm just I'm giving you the it's a longer it's a longer bit. I know. But I know you're not gonna do he doesn't. He doesn't even do anymore. Okay. steal it from him. No, we don't know cover bands and comedy. That's not right. Yeah, I've been listening to Kevin. Kevin meany. Dude, guy fucking crushed. Yeah, back in the 90s. So funny. Still. I watched it. The other is it from the 90 it might be static for me. I don't know. Till you watch. Amazing Jonathan was on dude. So underrated. underrated. But he did a joke.

3

Speaker 3

31:42

His opening joke was something that every like, no,

Law Smith

31:45

I love it. I know what it is. What is it? The Comedy Central half hour? No, this was on Netflix recently a new Oh, really? I think so. I knew it was old opener. What was what were you thinking? He goes, I'm a magician. So I'm going to make a bird appear. And he would like he would get a handkerchief and like, you know, dance it over his other hand. And then he goes in the front round. And yeah, that that is. But opening jokes are so tough. Because that's like a brand name. Almost like that is like, we got to get everything. I want you to understand who I am in this first joke, if you don't know. Sure.

3

Speaker 3

32:21

Right? And the thing that he did was something. It's like a saying I'll say where he did the thing where it's like, he's got the assistant, the dumb blonde assistant. She's like, it hurts when I push here, push, push here. Push here. And he's Oh, your fingers broken that joke. Like, I'll say that as like, Oh yeah, your fingers broken. Like when it's like, joke's on you. Like when you've done something wrong. I'll say that all the time. Gotcha. And he had that as opening on Netflix. I was like, I turned it off. kite dude. I kind of I buy it was kind of tough to sit there and be like,

Law Smith

32:55

oh, Zach is gonna be like, this is like, Do you watch the documentary on him? No, it's fucking amazing. Steve Byrne directed it another stand up. Because he was like, This guy doesn't get enough respect. I think he almost died recently. So I'll give that a pass if you had a bad stroke. And he's like, maybe forgot all those. He's a Vegas act like he

3

Speaker 3

33:17

he's definitely a good entertainer all that just that one special to open with that. I was like, Oh, no,

Law Smith

33:23

but like that Comedy Central half hour where he looks like he's just on more cocaine than Sam kinesins ever seen? Yeah. The biggest eyes of all time, right? Yeah. A headband and a suit on? Yep. No tie. Just the shirt. 90 style. Yep. So shit. Oh, so our friend Robbie, who grew up here. I have a lot of non comedian mutual friends with them. So I'm in this weird. We're in it. I just told everybody it's like a Jewish summer camp that turned into a resort. So think like, every meals like in the barn and like, like there's not a lot of places to go on the property Really? And if you go outside the property you could get clipped by a car kind of thing. Yep. So I was in big Indian New York near Catskills near Borscht Belt area. And as I'm reading about Jackie Mason dying, the sign pops up of the Catskills. He is the Catskills essentially, I remember I told you that that was the worst gig I've ever done Oh yeah, I remember when my dad and his three best friends get him to inset in the fifth row and I could see their their last comedy stuff buddy like you really gave it your all it's not your audience I was like you know what I am this is not my audience. I should the college didn't Yeah, I should fall back on these people are at and then he Jackie Mason gets up in New woody Buddha. Like just jibberish. His shit. Fucking crushes, like rush to like are people like in the aisles like Def Jam, but they're all eight year old white people. Yeah. So up in big endian New York in like, so I'm in this weird kind of position where It's a resort. There's glamping tents for I guess guys like me that are so lucky when I pretend to camp first thing I get in my glamping tent. There is a tick right on. Oh good. Yeah, New York's bad for ticks. Oh, dude, I forgot about ticks out here. Yeah, I was like, and I don't sleep. I sleep like Anne Frank already. So like, if I think there's something on me I'll be like a meth head all night. So I'd take some edibles. Did you have to do sleep in the tent? Oh, so they Robbie assigned it to me, but I would have asked for it anyway. Because when are you going to get a glamping tent? wedding? It was a Monday wedding. You know, like, Yes, I mean, it was already weird. Very odd. There was a black bear around the property.

2

Speaker 2

35:46

So unfun that just released. What do you think of black bears doing a cub?

Law Smith

35:51

It was a cub, but what do you think they're doing? They're doing when they're around people for food? Exactly. I was like, Oh, that's why all the foods in that one centralized area. And you can't get anything above everything. Yeah, you can't get any other food on the property anywhere else, because bears will fuck up. Yes. Yeah, I'd screw up all peanut butter whiskey. Didn't even open it. Because by the time I heard about that, I was like, Well, I don't want to bear. I think you would have been okay. I was just like, I don't know, it doesn't actually smell like peanut butter. Well, they wouldn't. They wouldn't let me take the bottle to any other part of the property later. So it was like, What am I gonna fuckin put this in a 711 cup or something? And like, they probably there's no

3

Speaker 3

36:30

one some guide walking around with a liquor bottle in his hand is being that guy.

Law Smith

36:34

So it's like a Vin space that has its own bar for the events they host so like you're taking away a little bit from them. Yeah, I think it was really more like we don't want broken glass in this property because it's nice. And then the other part of like, animals might think it's food or whatever. I don't know. Not good for the environment. How about that? Okay, not very camp like so better for the story? Yeah. Well, sure. When I got sick. Yeah. When I got I'm not fucking Teddy Roosevelt did when we know Oh, I wish I when I got there, I did the traveling move where he tried to work out as soon as you get there because that fucking one of the best tips I've ever heard. When you travel just go work out immediately right there. Because you feel like your body's like, like what just

3

Speaker 3

37:25

happened? Dude in an airplane. There's like another level added of tension no matter what. No matter if you're it's just like, you just start just locked in. You got to get them wiggles out.

Law Smith

37:35

So my buddy Chris and his wife across the aisle for me. Southwest direct flight to Albany. I take a mic. I'm on vacation. I'm taking an edible. I'm gonna see if I can pass out. I fell asleep without my mask on and they woke me up or like, sir, you have to put that on. I'm like, I looked to my left and right. And everyone's got like food. nexthome but not eating. I'm just like, God dammit did this. What are we doing?

3

Speaker 3

37:57

It is so dumb. I mean, either, you know, make it you got to wear it the whole time. No food, nothing, don't that. Or just secondly,

Law Smith

38:04

and then I had an awesome dad jokes. He was like, did they wake you up? Because you didn't have your mask on? My buddy said I was like, No, I had a boner. And he's like, sir, you gotta put that away. I don't know that the dad joke or two bad jokes is a grimy joke. Yeah. directed at children. Well, it's it's church giggles because you shouldn't be saying that on a flight where a lot of people can hear you. Yes, I'm saying it across the hall. Or across. I'll now add a boner now. Dude, I gotta say, dude, it's just don't rest either. So so basically went to a wedding with two comedians. I've been there. I I told him Hey, you think it's sweet now? Right? Like, I tell you, I'm the ghost of Christmas future badge. Or don't do that. I didn't do that. I didn't do that. I did it to Robbie jokingly, only two years ago like as a joke. His wife is fucking hilarious. Her family's awesome. Out of the Bay Area. Her whole family's like a silly family. Like that. Like performers kind of type good. Like don't have any, like, ego about like, going on stage with wigs during the roast toast. Yeah, good. I love that. I love a family like that. Like, totally things do seriously. Right. Right. Right. And so there was a roast toast thing. They did it like an open mic. You could have signed up for it. I'm looking at the list. Um, I do. There's some heavy hitters. And plus, I'm like kind of the Drexel. The bubble team. Guest you know, you had to play another 16 seed to get in. I know Robbie really well, but we became friends way later when he started stand up and we just happen to have a lot of mutual friends we grew up with. And then Casey I've only hung out with five times. She's got a podcast called shady shit. Ronnie's podcast edge lords. Is the duty host with fucking murdered dirt? Yeah, he's like, he got up. He was like, you know, I don't know about her. She's like Portuguese or something like, fuck, dude. He was wearing like a military jacket. And I was like, was he in the military? like that kind of guy? Yeah, like super strange. You allowed him? What's it called? And so, my buddy Nick cough, Pat's, me on the back during the roast. I didn't know he's coming up. Used to tour with him. He was just on our show four months ago, something like that. Maybe maybe a year ago. I don't know. Everything's confusing. I believe it was in this room. That's all I can remember. The studio. Yes. So catching up with him. Go to the ceremony. He just filmed his special in Nebraska, by the way, and it looks awesome. So Nick and I are talking after the wedding ceremony, which both their vows fucking murdered. And they're trying to one up each other to Yeah, like Robbie had a whole printed sheet out, right? And he's like, Oh, this isn't vows. This is prenup. like fucking levels, the whole room, or the outside little area we're in. And I'm walking with my buddy Nick off another comic. We're walking out of there. Everybody has to like walk to the barn or whatever the fuck. And it's like, I see Paul. He goes, Oh, hey, Paul. And it's Paul virzi. Who's I'm a big fan of his stand up. He does. I listen to his podcast with Bill Burr. in poverty. called Is there anything better? And if they start every episode listing off this episode number 20. Here the great number 20s in sports. Oh, nice. I was like, dude, I love that. I'm a dork. I listen to it. I've sent the podcast to like, a bunch of angry Italian dads I'm friends with and he's like, That's sick, man. That's awesome. And then I felt like I was like, okay, fanboy out a little bit in half. Like, what the fuck do you it's like, fucking be cool. They give me that face. No, he didn't say he's just like, Oh, it's because I can't imagine. I can't imagine him saying no, but he's given me like cooling. You sound like you've never done stand up. Like you don't know how to act around people that you really like admire or just in are a fan of right as I don't really care that much. But I just think it's funny because Nick was right next to me. So it was like giving me this like, come on, dude. Yeah, hold it together. We're walking up to eat dinner or whatever, or the cocktail hour. And the two girls from guys we fucked are walking right next to us. I was like, Hey, I'm a big fan of yours.

Law Smith

42:39

This is 30 seconds after the Paul virzi this is like one, we walk a little bit up. We catch up to them walk into the same direction. I go Hey, before I get really wasted later, I want to say I love y'all show. You know, I listened to it religiously. When it was before what are they had to deal with? luminaire laundry. luminescent I don't know, one of the paid podcast things. So here's this is why I fucked up. I got a podcast is really great. I love when Casey came on as a guest that was like, I like was texting Robbie. Like we're seventh grade girls about it. Like oh my god, what are you going to say? And they're like, oh, thank you appreciate it a lot. And you know, it's like, another thing like, again, awesome show. Gives me other perspective of like chicks like real talk from Jackson. And then here's where we talked about our friend Kim that needs to stop. Rolling stop. And I thought about it right as I did it. I was like, don't say it. Don't say it. I was like, Yeah, and I like I listened to y'all like every Friday for three years because we're still walking right next to each other with a whole group of people. And I might listen to it religiously. Every Friday for three years when I was in the dumps. Love the show. Got my mind off a bunch of shit really helped me out. But I stopped listening once you all went to laundry it was I was like, Why don't fucking say that. Well, I didn't need to listen anymore. And then they call Christina Hutchinson correct me it was like, it's his luminary. And I was like, Fuck, but didn't say it like it's okay baby. Right? It was like, You fucking fuck dude breaks you sound like a guy after stand up show. That's like, I didn't think chicks were funny. But you're pretty good. You know? Fuck. Yeah. I hadn't had the break. Here's the most awkward. Oh, it keeps going. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm not the comedian's table. This they didn't put me at the Tampa table. They put me at the Comic zoo. Which I felt like a poser because everybody at the table is like, pretty legit. The funniest thing was the comedian's laughing laughing like a busboy that was retarded. But they didn't know that he was mentally like, Uh huh. And so he's carrying all those like, foldable, like, you know, you fold it out, put the tray on it. Okay, you know, like a saw horse but like it's but it's collapsible. Okay, so the this big ogre handicap guys walking through their door Casey's dad is giving his father of the bride speech, like people are like, almost, like bawling just about to start crying a lot. And he walks through like 700 each arm and he's like, that don't mean to put them over there. And like, all this comics table didn't know. This guy was fucked up. There's a quote the fuck was that? And it broke up the half the room was like, laughing about that. Uh huh. And then yeah, and then you could see like, every third person around them like, and they were like, I don't care. Like someone. Really? I would go fuck. That was hilarious.

46:00

Every day. I talked to one out of every three people that has a eyeballs and a soul.

Law Smith

46:06

I talked to Aaron Berg about it later, because I saw him laughing hardest shit. I listened to my Legion skanks. We had a scar outside. I was like, dude, I just love that you just like fuck it. That was funny shit. And you said it loud. What the guys said. It's fun. And then the last part of this and we'll close this episode out. I didn't know it was gonna get into storytelling mode. Um, that was? Well, we didn't have a lot of topics. It was like, could we call Theo Ivana? Right. Well, then we figured it out. As we usually do. Every now and again. I like one of these that are just outside the box for us. Shows we're kind of human, I guess. So shows in his crew from flagrant tours. HGTV show, very recognizable. He's got like an entourage right. Show up in the middle of the reception. No big deal. Because it's we're in the middle of fucking nowhere. So yeah, it's three hours from New York. I think. So all these comics. Literally, I could I could name 40 comics, and I probably don't know another 30 that are there, you know. Yeah. And so he shows up, and I see Akash Singh, who does flagrant to with them. It's this cause and he's blowing up right now. And he's in the Indian. He just got married. He's in the Indian wedding garb. Now. I've hung out with him like 10 years ago. I think he was at my house when I lived near the Tampa improv at one point, like hanging out one night after a show. That kind of thing. And so I was like, I don't think you remember who I am. And so he comes in late. I looked over I was like, what's up, give him like the head nod deal. And he comes over to me and gives me like a big hug. Like, dude, hug. And I'm like, the whole time I'm talking to him. I'm like, I don't think he knows who I am. Like, I think he's just bullshitting me. I can't tell so I just had to play it through. And I was like, amen. He didn't find this funny. Or he didn't hear it because my voice is almost out. I was like, I think I was pretty fucked up at this point. And my man is really good to see I love the the Indian. What's the SAR is not sorry, but what is it for a guy told me whatever it's called. And I was like, yeah, you look like you're in the matrix for it was like I was like, oh, man to my face. Just fake laugh walk away. We talked for 10 minutes. And then that was how it ended. And that's where I'm gonna go get a drink. I'm gonna go get a cigar outside. Good. Yeah, good.

48:35

Yeah, that makes me feel good. Yep. Yeah, a lot of that went out and just let it all left it all on the field. I was fired damage a

Law Smith

48:43

lot of chips after the toast with the open mic lineup style where everybody sat 15 people signed up. I'm kind of wasted after my sag Hello, man. You fucking crush tonight. I was like, Wait is a toast like this is weird thing to like give them an Attaboy right now like Yeah, everybody chrome right? They just want you to be done. Yeah, I'm sure I did a bunch more embarrassing shit. I don't remember but

49:06

that's good enough. Yeah, pretty good list.

Law Smith

49:09

Yeah, I did it. And I got with nature. I ran some labs when I got there. I was telling worked out and small labs like basically like a quarter mile loop or whatever. And ran up running up on a road and there's a mom deer a baby deer there. And I'm like, What do I do? Am I supposed to scare them? This is how fucking out of it I am. I'm like, Am I supposed to just fucking be cool that it or and that I just heard Rogan podcast I was half listening to it's like, well don't scare the mom cuz she'll leave the baby behind and then it'll die. Because something like that. Definitely didn't hear that correctly. I like how you took it on yourself. What do I do know is like, I don't know what to do because you've got to do nothing. Okay. Okay. Part of me is like, and I'm runner's high at this point, so I'm like kind of delirious and Like if I start running away are they gonna fucking run after me? like that kind of stupid intrusive thought?

3

Speaker 3

50:06

Yeah, you're like and deer up there. There's so many fucking deer this night and even if they the mother does leave it in the dies it's not a big deal came through my head.

Law Smith

50:13

I was like, Fuck, I'm just a fucking numbers game, bro. No, they run into drive in front locksmith dog then you can't survive out there and then I tried to get them on. I tried to record a story to get them in the background. I couldn't do it. Of course. I was like they're looking at me. I'm gonna go I'm just gonna go back the way I came. Yeah, yep. Pretty good. Pretty good weekend, tell you embarrass yourself but embarrassing yourself gets you out of your own ego. So that's for sure. You know, it was one of those things where it's funny to kind of it was a good weekend, even though I was like God dammit, why did I do that? A lot. It's fine. Now that you're over and shout out to all episodes worth of content keywest Comedy Club did that on the second half of the week last week and legit club everyone's super nice.

2

Speaker 2

51:02

Weird set for me for sure. Because I told him he said to me jokes weren't gonna hit down q

Law Smith

51:08

actually probably would have because a lot of blue hairs the show. It's not a lot of like, partiers. It's a lot of old people that need something to do at night, not what I meant. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Right. Right. Right. gay guys don't want to get other gay guys pregnant. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. And on that. What about my sweater lady?