#308: How To FINALLY Get Your OnlyFans Career Off The Ground w/ Radio Personality & Comedian Johnny B
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
people johnny singing stand called podcast national anthem shit joke real talking fans years bone died point friends sweat equity night bucs
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sweat equity pie
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is the number one comedy business podcast in the world pragmatic entrepreneurial
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advice with real dog
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with it with it. I really did that last time stop doing I'm in the giggly mood because we have our friend stand up comedian radio host on one or two five the bone in Tampa Bay, Johnny v Johnny v comedy.com. If you want to check them out and sooner beyond only fans,
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you'll find out what that means. If you listen to the episode, probably figure it out. We're 2020 2020 best small medium enterprise business advisory podcasts in the United States. If you liked this podcast, go on iTunes Apple podcast, scrape, scrape. Same shit last night scribe.
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Google podcasts, we're on everything. If we're not on it, you're not on it. Let us know we'll get on it. This episode of sweat equity is brought to you by grasshopper tried grasshopper comm forward slash what gets you $75 off an annual plan. What's grasshopper? Oh, the entrepreneurs phone app. you need you need. You need a different phone number for your side hustle. Don't use a Google Voice number. Because if you try to advertise with it, it'll shut down. By the way. If I'm calling some business or someone who's got an Etsy store, I got a problem.
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About my sweat equity
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and equity
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sweat equity
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nice sweater.
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I want I want to Alright, we're recording but what are you using to get the bottom line scroll going in for people that are listening right well Johnny B's got this scroll like an ESPN ticker. For his Yeah, for as well socially.
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So I'm using a program called sparco cam
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in Reason being because I'm using a Canon m 50 as my webcam and if you know anything about
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you know regular cameras they after 30 minutes they'll stop like they you can't just keep using them as a as a streaming camera or even to record video it records 4k but because of some tax law with camcorders and regular deal so dlsr is whatever
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they have a setting where they'll turn off after 30 minutes but with sparco comma it goes into the settings for you the program and it leaves it open to stream as a webcam so now you have you know a nice canon m 50 you know quality webcam I don't even have a I just have the regular factory lens on it if I had a better lens on it it would really give that depth of field and blur the background and make it look super sexy like the YouTubers do and all that but it's good enough for what I use it for you know I go live on one or two five the bond Wednesday nights a broadcast from my home studio and during the pandemic only when it was really locked down. I was I think I broadcast from home five nights a week for about four months. So yeah, yeah. Throw your plugs audio version of them before we get into it. But I want more. I've got more AV questions. Yeah, this no that guy that did it.
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Audio plugs
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just for the audio listeners. I'm saying hey audio
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people it's better for you that you're not looking at me will say that. I disagree. A B and Johnny B stands for beautiful. Oh my people don't know. Yeah, it's also stands for bacon and Bologna and big. All the other things I mean for a big
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man, boo Kaka all day long. Yeah, that's how we met. Yeah, we're the only two white guys
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why are you here?
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Like night Craigslist ad. Yeah.
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Alright, so if you're in the Tampa Bay social, yeah, if you're in the Tampa Bay area, you're on one two to five FM the bone would
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Just now simulcasting if you want to go on the website, right, and you can listen. Anybody can.
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Yeah, we have the we have the bone app. So if you have any of your entity applications on your phones and whatnot, it's iOS, Android, pretty much everything Google Play, you can go search 102, point five, the bone and the apps free and you can stream any of the shows. at your leisure, the replays are looping 24 hours a day, there's also a clip of the day. You could also hear the Johnny v show clip the day as a podcast. They're about 15 minutes long. If you subscribe on any podcast platform, just search Johnny B show clip of a dead boom there you go. You'll get 15 minutes of high jinks with me and uh William Coons my co host slash only producer slash only person on my show because I'm nighttime radio and we have the budget of pretty much a homeless trailer person so I have just me and one other guy
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I got questions about that grind.
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Johnny v comedy calm is my twitter and Oh yeah, Johnny B comedy calm is a website where you can get everything you go there and you get you know, you can get the links to Instagram Johnny B Tampa, tick tock, Johnny v. Tampa.
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You know, only fan all that. Yeah, dude, I'm gonna get one. I'm swear I'm gonna get it dude. I'm teasing but I'm going like I've been talking about this for years. And I am there now. I am ready. I should have done it at the beginning of the lockdown. But I am ready to just take off my clothes and start smashing Publix cakes on my belly. I'm done. I have already made the cakes all that whenever they want and I'm sick of it. Yeah, I mean there's some there is an audience for me somewhere on cific Island that would give me 30 bucks a month to watch me do the sick crap that I want to do and I am I'm tired of the struggle it's time Yeah, I'll tell you why you're doing it anyways you know? Yeah, you're doing it but just not recording it. Yeah right. paid for it pay for it. I just I just poured shrimp pasta all over my face to nobody but me. I know jerk off Good Good choice in shrimp on that one but yeah the
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the the only fit what we'll say is if you do if you actually do it go Aaron Carter style. Do you know what he was doing? No. Please don't Tampa's on Celebrity brother of Nick Carter so
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apparently he was on only fans or fans only always mess that up. Only only fans only fans. And I guess it's only for ceiling fans. And
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yeah, that's what I wonder if they're getting a lot of draft and fancy. They're getting Yeah, they're getting a lot of ceiling fan like home.
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As he would do a song a lot of times are tough luck on everybody.
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But he was doing he was doing a song. And then apparently like jerk off. Oh, on there. Yeah. During the song. I mean, I only watched it like five times. But it was like, you know, after the song got a song to the song is that
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if he was only doing Backstreet Boys songs while he did it would be even better. Oh, I mean, I don't know if there's copyright thing like you. My mind is exploding with possibilities of jokes from past three point songs. Yeah, they're back. I want you back. Yeah.
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I can't even my mind can't process it. Yeah, I heard that. And I was like, wow, I was, you know, COVID hurt everybody, you know, a present company, including when I heard that. I was like, it's not so bad. I'm not I'm not I'm not there. You know, that close? I'm getting there. I haven't had your edging. That's a different thing. Yeah.
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I was working two jobs for like the last eight years do a nighttime radio and I still had a day job. As a poker dealer. I've done that for over 20 years. And, you know, stand up comedy for 20 years. I do that on the weekends as much as possible. But I stopped the poker dealing at the first of the year. And so I've just been doing like freelance voiceover work and things like that. Just grinding it. But I'm at the point now where the money is starting to get. It's getting lower and lower every month. It's like, Okay, I'm not broke yet, but I can see broke. It's right there. I want to get there. I can just reach right down and it's right there. So I'm like, joking around. And honestly, the only fans thing I was kidding around a couple of girls that I know that are professional webcam girls. That's what they do. And I was kidding around. It's Yeah, I'm gonna start smashing cakes on my belly like, and one of them called me like an hour after the show. And she's like, are you serious about that? Can I can help you and I go, I said it was a joke. And she goes, Johnny, you'll make a quarter million dollars a year.
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It doesn't matter. I was like, kick belly calm would do that. And she's like, Yeah, do it. And I was like, okay, and I laughed at
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That was like, two years ago, but I've been thinking more and more about it. And here's the thing that lets you can block like, you know, tech, you can block like the US from even seeing it. I mean, if somebody really wants to see it, they can get on the VPN. But yeah, if I'm talking market share wise, you don't want to block it out for the money. The only reason you're not Okay, and let's, let's talk you through it. Let's try to push you through because we'll be we'll buy a subscription on the sweat equity company account. We'll call you're gonna be a sponsor? No, well, okay, well
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subscribe.
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No sweat sweat equity cake that I'll do. Maybe we'll buy some ads through that maybe some product placement or something like that. I wouldn't be bad.
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But what's really stopping you from doing it is other than I guess it's got pride. Yeah, but decency and all that but you got to remember 20 years of stand up and then what seven or 10 of radio like your Yeah, look, my I tell everybody like they try to like you ever have this where people are trying to like embarrass you about anything I talk shit that are like non comedy, not in that world at all. I'm like, I know you don't find that funny. I might. I love you. There's nothing you can say that right? It's like, go ahead try and hurt my feelings. Right? I dare you dead on the inside all the time. Like people are like, Johnny, you should get into a roast. I'm like, Yeah, the thing is, like, I wouldn't even know if they were doing well or not. Because the things I say about myself, like not only on a daily basis, on an hourly basis, the things I say in my head about me are so brutal. There's nothing you can write that would offend me. And yeah, like when I was dealing poker, somebody would crack a joke about me on the table. And it got to the point where I would just I would give them a warning. I go, just what you want to do, right? Yeah, yeah. It's not gonna work out for you. Because I mean, I'm gonna hurt you, I will hurt you. Right, like and internally, it's gonna, it's gonna stay with you. Nothing. I'm Teflon when it comes to whatever you have for me. There's nothing and you're gonna show me pictures of my ex wife banging somebody. I already have those pictures. I find exactly. their inner spank bank literal.
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Photos because they're older. Yeah, they're printed out. I've got the negatives. The JB cut cam. I got it backwards. I got them printed out it accurate. Accurate is one hour developing man. Oh, yeah. But what's stopping you from doing it? I mean, other than that, I would say I'm gonna guess cuz you got an awesome. One thing about you. Let me set the table. So I met Johnny B when I was 19. During my first open mic, here's how I met him. I was doing it. They used to do it at the Tampa improv and they do it once a month. And you know, it was one of the things like a brainer open mic, almost like bring as many people and I was I was so green. I'll just told everybody to come with my buddy. Brendan T. Gleason. So we're both doing it. Did about nine Jaeger bombs upstairs
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at Adobe galas.
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That's now this like a Cantina? It's been the same doesn't matter at all. I like the details of it. And then, like, I think I'm doing well. And I hear
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like, a sarcastic laugh in the back. And that's how I met Johnny v.
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Base. No, in a truth teller. No, but I needed that. That's the thing is like, Yeah, I know. It wasn't crushing it right. And I knew what I was doing was okay. Like, for my first time, fine, like way better than I thought. But I knew it wasn't that good. I knew I was put just really pulling from not a lot of life experience. So you know, it's five minutes to it. It was a lot of my friends in the crowd, you know?
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And I remember you and Tony got like,
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your work on some shit. I was like, okay, because the second time because the second time, it was more of that, but no, I I look, that's a blessing. I see that as a good thing. I didn't take it because I played sports. I wasn't like these guys are dicks. I just go Okay, I need to get better. Yeah, yeah. I mean, kind of digs but not like, what are you going to do? You're another adult male that doesn't deal with breaking digs. Yeah, it wasn't like, it was like, Okay, well, friends are decks, you know, just not I, I feel like the when you do comedy, and you have a some kind of sports background, because you've had that kind of shit talk to you. Then. Not kind of like tennis or golf or anything else. Yeah. But like,
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you know, contacts. Real Sports. Yeah. You could get hurt and there's a lot of downtime where you have to talk shit. Cuz you got nothing else going on? It's like, that's that thing of like, okay, I'll just, I'll prove them wrong. You know, we got that kind of thing. Still haven't yet but I'm working on another thing. I hadn't got
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I thought I had when you're talking about, I've done this where you're like, do you really want to go there? Do you want to heckle, you really want a life hack on me? And then I have nothing in the chamber ready? That you're like, because in five minutes,
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I'm going to really lay into you as you're used to being able to do it. And then you're like, do you really want to go? Do you want it? And then they'll, they'll try you? And you're like, did you keep saying,
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Are you sure? Are you sure? But if anybody wants to tip on really digging in, so this shows businessy kind of pragmatic advice. It's why I want to get more of that info on the camera stuff. Because we get asked all the time. What's the stuff I need to get a podcast going? But but this will work in the conference room? Well, yeah, this works. This works in any kind of conflict thing where you need it to on someone is, don't go for the first day. Don't go for the thing. That's obvious. Go for the third or fourth thing.
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someone pointed that out to me, and I was like, Fuck, dead on dead nuts on, you know, it was like if I were fortunate back and forth, and I'm calling you pig. That's easy. Like, yeah, you've already got stuff prepped. Right. So most people yeah, I'm way better at fat jokes than you are, like, right away. Yeah. Just anybody that's big. They've already they're doing that virtual about, you know, that self. Yeah, that self kind of argument before the argument happens.
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Yeah. But I'm saying like, go for that like, Oh, well, you're
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the ex wife, you know, getting bottomed out. That kind of thing. If that. Yeah. And then that's what makes me such a, like a just a verbal assassin too, as I was married to a really evil lady that came from a long line of evil. And their specialty was knowing how to say the thing that would hurt you the most like they know, they knew how to like, deep dive into your soul, and find something in there, like a membrane from your childhood or something that really, really like penetrates everything about you to where you go, oh, oh, but I got so smart to it after like 10 years. I do.
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10 years. All right. I was reading.
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He would hit me with something like I swear to you, like, my mom died while I was doing a show at the improv right? Then like a month later, she got mad about something stupid. And she goes, Yeah, well, you were the only one of your siblings that was telling jokes when your mom was taking her breath. Oh, five was a normal person. That would have really screwed me up. But I knew it was coming. Like for a month. I was like, she's gonna chamber up my mom. that's gonna happen. Yeah. And then she threw it at me and I went
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you're powerless against me anymore. I saw that one comment. And she's like, What's your real? It's true. And when our dog died, it hurt me more than when you die. And when that wasn't reach, okay.
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It just got to the point where it was like, you know, sounds like a you problem. Yeah, yeah. Now just go you're an alcoholic, and I would walk away and she's like, cuz it was true. And I was like, Hi. But yeah, I mean, it's when it comes to, if you're going to, you know, go into the realm of verbal, you know, combat and yeah, don't go for the easiest thing. That's great advice. Yeah, no, I don't know who said it who or where I heard it. But I was like, Oh, I'm I'm membrane that that is. That is the best like roast battle. If you ever do a roast battle. If you ever have to roast the boss. I don't recommend it. You know? Yeah, that never that's not ever good. Or you are the opposite of where people try to rub someone. like doing a wedding speech. I don't get that. You're like, You're going too hard in the paint. You gotta like a big moment. must be pretty light time.
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People gonna remember this only was a real shithead banging a lot of fours and fives. Yeah. around New Orleans. Let me tell you. Yeah, you guys had open bar not me. This is what's happening now. I don't know. This chick. She's, she's been alright. But Alan guy used to love some math. You're like, Yo, dude, what's the flow status here? Yeah. Oh, man. real real quick. This This was pretty cool. I actually officiated a wedding couple years ago, um, for a couple of friends of mine, and they wanted me to be funny. No, they wanted me to, like, a request. When I did one. I was like, nope. Oh, no, no, no, these these two are very funny people or they know me very well. So they're like, yeah, just just be yourself. But just be sarcastic and whatever. Whatever you want to do just free flow just so I go. Okay. Well, I didn't think about how many people are the wedding had no idea. I'm a Canadian. no idea who I am. They thought I was like, the biggest thing of all time.
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Show up in a suit. I
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Got a fake like Bible, you know, and, and I start like marrying these two people and I almost got murdered, right? Because it and I just start off and it's this beautiful setting you know and it's like like at this museum in Sarasota? Well, you know the Ringling Brothers museum. No, it's where they have the manatees in a big aquarium if you've ever been there and one of them died, he killed himself. You know? snooty was like a celebrity man. Yeah, that was I believe you. nudie it died like it got trapped in like a vent or something in the aquarium and died like a month before the wedding. I'm roasting this.
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Writers they are getting super pissed off because apparently this person had a deep long love for snooty. But I start this this officiating off and I go Dearly Beloved, we've gathered here clearly to watch these two morons make a mistake in this old lady right in the front just gap.
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Can I hear somebody in the back go home? Oh, cute.
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So I just had to own it at that point. Yes. Be the heel roasted them. Oh my god, it was great. And then like, afterwards, best man who's one of my best friends in the world. He steps up and he goes, Johnny B is a Canadian data that you know just and then you heard people kind of like breathing sighs of relief. And then they then know sons of bitches go. He's also a singer. And he's gonna be singing for the reception. I'm like I am. Oh shit. I put on a concert. And they're like, What is going on? Our preacher is a comedian and a singer. What is a five tool player? Yeah, it was crazy. Yeah, it was it was nuts. And then I did. You just did a jump rope Expo outside.
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Dutch baby. Let's do.
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It was weird. It was it was fun. Oh, you just did you just sing the national anthem. You're multitasking? Yeah. You know, cake smashing on your own? On your own paynus if you I mean, incorporate the singing into that. Oh, yeah. Red, White. And now Okay, now we got a hook for you. Okay, there you go. There's wrangle the national anthems. very controversial right now, to this day and age. Some people are horrible. So I mean, I can really hit so many levels of emotion. Yeah, no, I can't. I can't. Yeah. So you tell us about that experience? Because that's one of the things I'm sure if you got paid, it wasn't much. I'm sure I didn't I think I paid at all. But it's one of those things where I like when you get those those things in life where you're like, this kind of frightens me to do it. I'm going to do it. Because it frightens me. I'm sure that was kind of what's up with that. I know you've sung at a few other things. But this is in for people not in the Tampa Bay area. It's where the Bucs play. It was for what monster Monster Jam Jam. I did all three days. I thought they wanted me to sing it once. And then I show up on it was a Friday, Saturday, Sunday event. And and what happened was they called like promotions at the radio station, you know, the company I work for. And they were like, we're looking for a singer for the national anthem. And then one of the promotions managers, we have one of our radio personalities. That's, that's a singer and, and they were like, Well, okay, can you send us like a demo or something? So the late they like, cc me on an email, and I was like, I don't really have anything of me singing. So I just went my phone and I found a video that my brother did of me singing at a karaoke show, like, like, three years ago, and I'm hammered for this video. I mean, wasted. I'm saying like, edit James at last. And, you know, even on sound sounded pretty good. You know? So I just forward her this email, and you can hear people in the background just like cussing and everything else. It's crazy. You know, and, and then she immediately since back She goes, you're in, you know, be there Friday night. So when I showed up, they're like, Alright, cool. So you're good with doing it Saturday and Sunday, too. I'm like, Yeah, sure. But yeah, it was one of those bucket list type of things because I've seen the national anthem, ad like high school baseball tournaments and smaller venues and things and, and I always thought like, how cool would it be to do it at like Raymond James Stadium. Yeah, in Houston, you know, and, and it was
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a different one. I you know, we're gonna close.
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Now I know how it's working. The old sombrero young she's going to and she's dead. Yeah. And I'm basically there. Yeah. Dude, I wanted to I wanted to find the red white and blue tracksuit is the same one. You know, and then and let's say I'm sure Titus O'Neil who's standing next to you would have found that respectful. God. Well, the first night, the biggest black man of all time.
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Dude, I get there Friday, when I'm sitting in it.
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There's there's another very handsome black gentleman sitting standing next to the stage with a lovely lady. And he has a mask on. Everybody has a mask on, you know, and I'm like, he looks so familiar, but I can't tell if the mask on who he is, you know, he's about six to welbilt man, Eric Brooks.
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I would have known Yeah. But I, I say to one of the promotions managers or whatever I said, I said, Who? Who's the guy standing next to the stage? He goes, Well, that's Carlton Davis, the third. And I went, Oh, so you know, I mean, I'm one of the biggest Bucs fans in the history of the world. So for Eagle two, yeah. Oh, yeah.
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Yeah, so we we drafted another War Eagle. I saw Kj Britt. Yeah. Uh huh. Anyway, so we'll take a tiger because it's stupid shit. War Eagle. saying like a mascot.
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Tiger. You say war? We have three guys. Three masks. What's the third one? plainsmen. Yeah, I'm not even gonna. That's Yeah. And Alabama just has an elephant that's on its period. I have no idea what's going on. And the Crimson Tide. So they got to two. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I don't get so. So I was like, kind of fanboying out. And then when I got done singing he like, he gave me a little facepalm because he killed a dog. And I was like, and then I wanted to say something really? Nice. Cool. You know, like, in my head. I was gonna say, Man, now we both destroyed it in the stadium. Instead, instead, I just went Thank you.
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And in my head, all I could think was, yeah, it's Carlton Davis a third. But could you imagine if it would have been Derrick Brooks, or would have been Tom Brady or gronk? You know, I may have just pissed all over myself. But I held it together. And then yeah, the Sunday was when Titus O'Neill was there. And the thing that was cool about him was
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like, I knew that, like, I was on Facebook with him, but I thought I was like on his fan page. I didn't realize I was actually on his personal Facebook. So when he walked up, I go, Hey, Titus. I'm Johnny.
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On Christmas. Yeah. I said, I work at the bone. And I know he's friends with like, the daytime post. I know, he's friends with my counter and drew grado and stuff. But I you know, I go Yeah, I work at night at the bone. I know. You know, I'm you know, and he goes, Johnny, I know who you are. And I went, Oh, nice. Yeah, I go. You know who I am Lisa. Yeah, dude. Yeah, this is great, man. And I'm like, oh, and then my It was one of those things where I go, Oh, crap. He knows who I am. But it happens a lot in Tampa. I still refuse to believe I'm famous. But it seems like people know who I am, which is kind of cool. So yeah, I sang it. The best thing now, the best thing that happened. I'm singing the national anthem on the Saturday Night Show. And I look out and out of the box, Jason light. GM for the bucks. has a Bud Light in his hand. He looks at me after you know, I'm like, waving at the crowd, and gives me and points to me like, good job. And I was like, oh, try out. Dude, seriously. That's one of the things I want to do. Now. I want to sing the national anthem at the Bucs game. You could make it happen. I mean, well, I just got I just got inform yesterday. It's gonna happen. The rowdies want me to come sing it. Yeah. Nice. And I believe I'm going to be doing it for the rays. But the rays aren't allowing people to sing in person. They're doing the video like while I'm in your video. Do me I know. Because I would really like there's free tickets. I mean, this jokes been done a lot in this area. But there's not gonna be a lot of people. I didn't say I was unaffected by Yeah, we were already COVID You know, that's I'm saying they're allowing 9000 people and that that was like the biggest hacky joke last season was like, nobody at the race games.
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Yeah, okay. All right, stop it. We do a really good TV attendance or like, you know, raise have like some of the best in the country because we're Floridians we like to sit on the couch and drink beer and you know, and in the air condition and enjoy it for free. I like that. You throw that out there as a small team insecurity because normally one of us might do.
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TV market still pretty good. Like, we gotta swear. Traffic sucks to get to a game at seven. What are you gonna do? Yeah.
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I mean, it's true. I mean, in the experience is bad. That is dumb, though. What not letting the guy who's singing the national anthem into the game, but to get 9000 fans? Yeah, whatever, man, you know, I mean, whatever they want. You know, it's not the same experience for you, though. You know? I mean, that's a major league baseball game. Yeah. We'll be way cooler if you could do it in person. Yeah, do a Feed of Your only fans.
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Yeah.
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No, I do the real one. But then I accidentally sent him the wrong file. Yeah.
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Great. And now for your national
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media and radio personality. Johnny doe Bill, Bill. Here's something that's kind of cool about doing about doing this show.
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So I was talking to you on the phone a couple of weeks ago. You're doing corporate stuff now. Right? I, yeah, my stand up. I was talking about that. And because I mean, I've been, you know, for years, known as one of the dirtier comics, you know, I'm sure done a bunch of like little tours called the down and dirty shows. And it's great for some crowds love it. But then I was losing out on a ton of money. Because, you know, people want to book somebody that can do a PG or a corporate set. And I was always one of these artists that was like, I'm not gonna sway from what I do, bro. But then somebody offered me like 1400 bucks, and I had to turn it down. I was like, You know what, it's time to write some different stuff. Yeah, at least a version of my set. Like, it's not different material. I just honed down some of the material I already have. And it works. Yeah. My Mike. Mike Birbiglia talks about not not being dirty. And his whole kind of mantra was, I
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think, I think fuck don't say fun guy thing. But he's got a friend. Last one I love really special I saw it was like, some family brought their kid in, and he like front row. And he's like, Oh, this is this is different than what you're used to. He got four solid hour specials, you know, for oil. I'm like, we're clean. Yeah. What, what I was saying is we so after that, I had up Patrick Kane, who's been booking a lot of corporate events. And so I'm gonna put y'all together, because we were talking to him on this podcast about what he's been doing. And he kind of doubled down on doing corporate zoom shows as comics. And he's had this kind of, you know, this kind of thing on top of him being a writer, a stand up comic, he's been doing this thing on the side, and he just kind of ran with it. And then I was like, when you talk to me about on the phones, like, Oh, well,
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let me just, he, he'll randomly hit me up with all this cool bucks gear that he sees all the time. But I'll get a 3am tax and it'll be like some creamsicle bucho Bruce, like, Cadillac or something like interior design. So I'm gonna remind me to put y'all together if I don't do that. Later. Yeah, but I thought that was kind of cool. Because it was kind of like, we never really brokered anything on this show like that. So I thought I was gonna need and we'll see if it happens. We'll see if I get add in forget
32:31
me, dude, I got like 19 different projects going on right now. And I'm not even 30% done on any of them that says classic mean, so I'm actually getting ready to launch a new streaming show bucks, streaming show on bucks report comm called out of bounds with Johnny v. They wanted my comedic take on buck stuff. And so now I'm creating a stream yard, you know, backgrounds and quarter panels. And I'm not doing artwork, I'm doing that. I started customizing shoes a couple of weeks ago, because I went down a YouTube rabbit hole. So now I just made a custom Air Force ones. Like, it's crazy. All the stuff I'm doing. And if I could just take like two things and be really, really good at them and finish them. I probably be super successful. But yeah, I'm doing like a million things. Add. I have no idea. I probably something right now. It's burning.
33:27
It's that shrimp pasta. It's really, it's really like, I get that way too. And lately, I've been really trying to put myself in check and go like, Don't spread yourself too thin, because you end up becoming miserable. You know, when you get stressed out? You're not really doing you're doing all those things at 10%. You know? Yeah. And so it's really like, the focus on like, four or five things you can handle now and then you can add shit later. But But the only fans you do have to make that money series. That's money. That could be number one. That's revenue something else? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, for a while, like when I when I first was talking about it with those girls, my son was still at home. You know, he was like a senior in high school. And I was like, I can't embarrass him. But now he's 21. You know, he's like a senior in college. So it is.
34:16
I don't think he would be embarrassed. He'd be like, yeah, my dad smashes cakes on kids, but uh, you see what he drives me. Right? That's gonna be dope. Let's, let's put it this way. You're a good dad, you should get some life credit points because your sign was a badass defensive end football player or tackle or left tackle it could have played at the next level and decided to get he could get an academic scholarship. Right? Yeah, I made sure that, you know, he kept in his academics like he was in honors classes from sixth grade on and I told him never ever falter when it comes to your grades because that that's where the cream is gonna rise to the top. You never know what's gonna happen with that blood eggs and there's so many good athletes. You know, we even moved this
35:00
South Tampa so he can go play it plant. hated it hated coach Wiener hated the whole thing moved to put y'all together.
35:08
former coach. Yeah, but yeah, so he makes he makes people wonder, oh yeah, well he just had like, really unfortunate injury problems once he got to high school. And so then he ended up going back, we move back to Brandon, so he could go finish out at Bloomingdale and just
35:26
Yeah, yeah, so it got to the point where he was, like, Look, I've had straight A's since fifth grade, I'm in all these honors classes, I'm, I'm, I'm in line to get the bright future scholarship, so I don't want to play football anymore. And I was like, my heart was like, ouch, you know, because the kids six foot almost six, six at a time, he was like, 310, you know, and he's just a monster. And, you know, he's being looked at by everybody who's like being looked at in seventh grade, you know, he was getting high schools, were walking them through the facilities and stuff. So it's like, that's some litter for that shit. Right? I signed him in seventh grade. I'm serious on like, I wanted to see him play on Saturdays, you know, and then you never know, maybe on Sundays one day, but at the same time, you know, you got to be a dad before you know, you're trying to be the football dad. You know, it's like, Alright, well, if that's what you want to do, that's what you want to do. We did the right thing. And I've known you sacrifice, you know, some of the stand up career. Some things along the way to make sure you're there for him. So here's I'm saying you built up a lot of dad credit. Now. Now the cashier? Literally, right, dude, you're right. Yeah, I don't know if you knew this, but I turned down like, probably the most lucrative opportunity in my life was when when ralphie May was alive. And I was I was his southeast opener like he asked regional opener. So like he was out west to us. Our is your fear. Gary cannon was up north. He used the bash brothers. And
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you know, so like, in Midwest Nashville use Billy Wayne Davis play. I was this guy down here. And we became good friends. And then one day, we're doing a hard rock live in Orlando. And he says, Why don't you just do the whole tour man? Oh, my God, we'll do 100 and we'll just just be my regular guy will do 150 shows a year, you know, or 300 shows a year? I don't know. It was a bunch of shows a year. It goes you know, I'll pay you what I paid for every show for the whole tour. Dude, he was paying me. Like, a lot. Yeah, is the rumor with him was he always paid everybody? Well, I'm believably well, right?
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And unheard of like, I don't want to say he gave me money one time. And he wasn't even on the show being that he was watching bird show. And I was opening for bird. And he was hanging out.
37:49
Gave me a tip. Yeah, he's, he's one of the few people like Lani love. There's like a handful of people that have given me a tip for being like the opener or guests that and it's like, it's such a badass move. Because he hits it, you know? Yeah. But he offered me the whole tour. And I had to turn it down because I was a single dad at the time. You know, I couldn't I couldn't bail on my son. So he said to me, he says, Are that's okay, baby, baby. I appreciate that. Because soon as he goes to college offers always there. I'm like, thank you. And then you know, unfortunately, he passed away right as my son was graduating high school, which, you know, I would rather have roughly back and not have that deal but
38:30
he probably died not graduate high school, maybe like your, your material. And he killed himself just so you didn't have to take you on the road. Not only that, like he had he had a six months residency. He just signed in Vegas at the south, South, whatever. casino that newer one. And it was I could have been back. I've lived in Vegas twice. And I loved it. But you know, I came back here for you know, opportunities what you know that arose, but I would I mean, I would have I would have loved and went back especially with no children give me Vegas with no anchor. Yeah. Come on. Yeah. So were you on that cruise ship when he got real sick? That one? Yes. I was his opener for that. That's when we first met. And that's how I became his regular opener because he I guess he felt bad that he got sick and I I got a message. It was the weirdest thing. I got a DM on Twitter from him. Yeah. And it's like was like 2014 2015, something like that. Oh, no. 2011 Oh, real. Yeah. So he DM me on Twitter. And he's like, Hey, you, you kind of got screwed. You didn't get to open for a real show. And he goes, I have these blood clots in my lungs. So I can't fly for a few weeks. So I'm booking shows all over Florida. Do you want to open for me? I'm doing a show tomorrow. A pop up show at the improv. It's like a Tuesday sold it. Oh, yeah. Wow. I remember this. Yeah. So I go. Yeah, so I show
40:00
Up open forum have a good set you know everything worked out his his crowds were the easiest to do stand up for because it's like going to a Brian you know opening for Brian Regan or somebody like that the crowds show up ready to laugh like they're almost like on the edge of their seats before they even sit down like haha
40:19
fat guy at a buffet like you can't lose. So like his crowds were awesome. Like you just do you're sad and it's hard to have a bad set. So he loved me and then invited me the next night we went to like Sarasota and then he just started booking the shows and the guy was he just got out of the ICU like blood clots in his lungs. He's on all these blood thinners and everything. But yeah, that's how that kind of steamrolled and it got to the point where even after he went back to LA or Nashville, we had a house in each each and I got like a call from his manager. It's like, hey, Rafi wants to know if you want to open again. I was like, What? That's awesome. Yeah. So I mean, that's how that that's how that happened. But it's weird how things happen. Yeah, yeah. And you got to keep grinding it out. The The one thing because we got to close it out. The one thing I want to make sure we ask you and we ask everybody on the show is what advice would you give your 13 year old self? The boy on what women you rear here's the scenario, you can get like a bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure phone booth. Yeah. Then you travel back in time to when you're 13. Hopefully not masturbating. Like hopefully caught you in between. Right? You kept yourself in between those.
41:37
Yeah, what do you do that you can grab Time Warp does that cause you? You can grab yourself by the cool rerun vest you're wearing by the lapels of that. I'm just guessing, because there's honestly I dress that same way back then. You could grab yourself by the hoodie. Yeah. Adidas tracksuit and suede suede Adidas. Or, you know, low tops and tracksuit? Yeah, same thing. Yeah, I was gonna get you're a feeler guy. But yeah, and you can tell yourself something at 13. Oh, man. I mean, honestly, I think it doesn't have to be one thing. Yeah, I mean, you know, to be dead, honest and real. You know, and I'm not even trying to be funny. I think that the thing that I would tell 13 year old me is to, like, number one, Stop messing around in school, make sure because I kind of just floated through school, my dad was an engineering professor. So I was, I was smart enough to not even try and got average grades. But if I would have applied myself, I could have been like my son and probably done really good things academically. I went on to have to get a degree in art, which is worthless. I mean, so. Yeah, so political science.
42:54
Yeah, good job. Anyway, so I
42:58
mean, honestly, I would tell 13 year old me also because that 13 year old me just lost a bunch of weight and was playing really well playing football very well. And I thought that was gonna be my path. I was a pretty decent High School player, but I started gaining weight back, you know, like, after high school, I would tell 13 year old me, don't, don't gain away, back, stay in the weight, room, lift, lift, lift and keep your health in check as I mean, although my weight has, you know, it's it's been something I can joke about and all that. It's been a struggle throughout my life. You know, I mean, I got abdominal 600 pounds at 30 years old.
43:34
Yeah, and I gastric bypass, and I dropped 300 pounds, and then I've gained almost 100 of it back, you know, so it's like, it's, it's been a constant battle. And it's been a hurdle that I would rather tell my 13 year old me to avoid, you know, that way, you know, he has a happier life. And, and, you know, he doesn't have to use this joke. The band hot girls, you know, you could just do it with us. Looks, that would be neat. And then. And then yeah. And also, I would tell them to save money. Like, yeah, it's fun to blow money, but man, I made so much money between like 30 and 40. I had a underground poker game and I was making six figures and I was just living the life. You know, I was going out to you know, the Charlie's and Ruth's Chris like every night for dinner and just like all the corporate steak houses. Oh my god. Yeah. Cuz that's all there really was back then. You know, it's like so but but I mean, I was I was I would go to the airport and just buy a ticket there and go somewhere like on a on a whim I go. I go, Hey, man, you want to go to Vegas? And yeah, my buddy be like when I'm like, like, now let's go and we would just go buy a ticket and fly. I mean, I blew so much money. And I would tell 13 year old me to be a little bit more responsible. Have fun, but think about your future and don't be 50 years old. Ready to smash cakes on your belly. It's No, don't do that. One thing I'll throw out
45:00
That I've heard a lot of people using to lose weight. And I actually I actually been doing it the last two weeks because I wanted to hit a goal for me. Is it math? Is it math? Because, yes, it's it's math. No. So much done. Yeah, just you know, be careful. And you know how you do it. Now it's a, I heard, I think I heard siguro. Talking about it on Tom Segura, we're talking about a one his podcast, he's been using the My Fitness Pal app. And just for just because of my stats, I was like, let's see if I enter everything in there. And for as long as I can do it, and I paid for it. So I'll make myself do because I'm cheap. And yeah, and it's actually been kind of good. And kind of surprising some of the stuff that I've been eating that I, you kind of knows bad, but it puts this like kind of scoreboard up of like, yeah, you know, I'm using I'm actually using an app right now. And it's a it's a free one. And it's similar. It's funny, it's called that secret.
46:02
It's the same thing, like you whisper into it, and go, I want to fucking lie so bad, you still look
46:10
at all the fucking
46:12
secret on apps. Like, I gotta say.
46:16
It's
46:18
the calories don't count page anyway. But uh, but no, it you, you enter all the food. And if it tells you like, you, you put in, like your current weight and what your goal weight is, and it'll tell you what your calories should be. If you want to stay in calorie deficit, it doesn't get into the details, what I need to learn is the real details, like the macros and all that stuff, because everybody's body is made up different. So it's like, I need to make sure that I understand better, like, the things are going to help my body burned best and all that because everybody's different. So lately, I mean, I've lost 24 pounds since January. Nice. And it's just basically, you know, entering this stuff and, and just not eating like an asshole all the time. That's my thing now so like I am I do meal replacements now like instead of eating in the daytime, I eat. I don't know if you've heard of built bar, but it's a it's like a protein bar that actually tastes like a candy bar, but they're like 130 calories and like 17 grams of protein, sugar, like, absolutely lined up very low. It's like, I think there's four grams of carbs have one on deck for when those get boring and not good anymore because that and then I've been doing that in a protein, the premier protein, I get those at Costco and and I'll slam on those in the daytime, you know, just to keep me going and then I have a you know, I don't want to sound like a stupid slimfast level sensible data. No, but
47:50
just keep my calories under 1500 is what I'm trying to do. Yeah, no, that's, that's slow. It's tough. That's low. That's what I've been looking at mine. I'm like, I don't know if I've hit it. More than two weeks. I don't think I've hit it more than three times. It's Yeah. And then on the weekend, I allow myself you know,
48:07
that's that sort of gets.
48:10
I know, install it on Monday. Yeah, cuz in my head. I'm like, you gotta live on land. I'll bet you're doing a show. And there's an open mic guy. They give you free beer. I know. This is the toughest for me. You ain't dumb daddy. Yeah, I drank I was drinking Nick altrad a gig a couple of weeks ago, because I'm like, currently 100 calories. I drink out of a buzz. I'm like, I gotta just drink water.
48:35
Yeah, he's got me on the go more booze than beer. that's helped a little bit later. Yeah, I mean, I, this is liquor. Right? Friend? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you switch to liquor and it's hard liquor, my friend. That's a little about substituting some stuff. Like if you're going to get pizza go thin crust on it. Like, I mean, if you're gonna do that, like treat yourself shit. You want a pizza go thin crust over, you know, there are better options. Yeah, and that's a way to kind of win your way. When you go. When you try to go Walker, this is what I'm doing. I'm gonna call it almost never works. Now, that's the thing too, is I'm trying to eat right and not feel like I'm on a diet or punishing myself because that's the problem, too. It's like, you hear like, I'm on a diet and I'm on an eye. And then in your head, you're like, Why are you being mean to me? Me? Like, instead, like, and I try to tell my girl's been losing weight, but she's doing keto. And I was like, I don't like it because it's a plan that eventually won't end right. Like, I want to try a diet change. Right? That's what I'm saying. I want to just
49:43
you know, I want to just like, lifestyle change. And it sounds super gay when you say but it's true. Like, you know, it's like, you know, a lifestyle change. I want to be awesome. I see a lot of fat ones, but
49:57
they hide those. Yeah. It's like if you were trying to
50:00
Walk better and you were trying to change your, your gait, you know and have better posture. You wouldn't say like, I'm gonna do that for a month and then go back, right like a caveman afterwards. So I kind of want to do that with food I just want to like, but I'll just naturally gradually lose weight slowly. I'm not gonna do some crazy shit, you know? And then like, a year from now go, Oh, shit, I'm 80 pounds lighter and only feel like I tried. That's what I wanted. That's what a right that's the right way to do it. Like, weight loss is the hardest thing. It's secretly like people. You know, joke about it a lot. But it's like, you got to eat and like, especially like, if you've been kind of rewarding yourself or when you get stressed. Go fuck it. And yeah, whatever. That's, you know, that's that's the issue. The moment of weakness is really the issue, you know? Yeah, you get crazy. Like, if you starve yourself, I starved myself for like a week, then. I'm gonna lose my mind and just drink a bottle of ranch dressing then what did we do? What did we just broke it? Yo, do your leg power. It's gonna be out of this world. You've been carrying around all that way. Dude. I bet Oh, no, no, my abs are huge. Yeah, well, that's about it. I used to go to like the gym, you know, 1015 years ago. And that was the thing I would do to impress people was I would get on the leg press and knocks it out. Yeah, but now I'm, I'm you know, in my upper 40s, and my back is just like, I had like an MRI like a year ago because I was like, oh, back pain. And they go oh, yeah, your backs just whittle with the bone spurs. I'm like, so what do we do with those and like, nothing? Just, you know, you're gonna be in pain till you die. Probably.
51:37
Not funny.
51:40
Is there anything I can do? And you guys get massages. Smoke weed. I go. I do.
51:47
not working. Yeah, so it's like, I don't know about getting yoked anymore. But yeah, I would tell 13 year old me to get yoked Oh, god damn, believe that my son's like, he stopped playing football. He lost almost 100 pounds. Oh, yeah. He was like, I'm not an offensive lineman anymore. So now he rocks. Ah, yes, exactly. Yeah. And he's, he turns down girls, that most people would pay top dollar. I hope he passed on my message that having a girlfriend in college is worthless. So tell him to not have that. Especially. I know. Get rid of that shit. He's almost done with college though. Right? Well, no, he's going into medical school. Yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, I need to break up. What?
52:31
I told him, man. He's like, we're getting an apartment together. No.
52:35
She's locking that down, bro. I tried medical school. Come on. I know. She's gonna be like, why don't we talk to this? I don't need birth control. condom just and she's gonna lock it down. Dude. I told him I don't want grandkids. Dude. I don't care about them. I don't want to spend money on them. Don't put a baby in her. Don't make me throw her down the stairs. I told him that. You know, but yeah, he's gonna make his decisions. You know, whatever he wants to do. That's the real advice. Don't throw a baby down the stairs. Not the baby girl for that either. Yeah, I mean, no. It's worthless to throw a baby down the stairs. There's so pliable at that age. You came in hurt on me. You can't break bones into your five Probably. Probably. Yeah. I'd like to make a warning.
53:20
It's part of my guess part of my my corporate side I'm working on right. Perfect. Yeah. Alright man. Thanks for coming on. Appreciate it. Thanks, guys.
53:29
All right. Take care, guys.
